It's Halloween time kids, by Cody Sullivan

Arrgh, it’s hard to type when your fingers are mummified. That’s right. It’s Halloween time, and I’m at the office, swaddled in six rolls of two-ply, lotion-infused toilet paper. Hey, softness is critical when you’re a mummy. Next to me is a werewolf, shirtless, in Antique Rivet jeans of course. He’s making copies, looking feral. I swear if he drools on another press release, I’m going to shove a silver fork up his… ah, he finally left. Three over-sized chickens are viewing the results of our latest photo shoot to my left. I’ll resist any pun about pecking order. And of course, they’re about fifty vampires roaming about the office and showroom. Vampires! For the love of god, can we take a break with these vermin? Vampires are a stylish lot, so it’s natural these costumes turn up in the fashion industry. Still, Twilight. Vampire Diaries. True Blood. They’re too many vampires roaming about. Aren’t they supposed to be clandestine, crypt-crawlers? I’m still waiting for some ingenious youtuber to replace characters from every vampire movie with the Count from Sesame Street. You see. We don’t need new vampires. Let’s just tweak the old ones.