"Don't drink and barter, folks." by Justin Herman
With two unused weeks of vacation, I decided to go to India...
This story takes place somewhere between the invention of the motorbike and the bus I caught to Pune.
Like any great democracy, India is the land of infinite possibilities, for example one possibility is to get robbed by the police. I've heard many stories about the Goan police and their handling of Caucasian motor bikers. To drive a motorbike in India, you technically need a license. Whether it's a motorcycle license or a lamented self-portrait, is unclear. The point is, a major source of income for these officers is solicited bribes from bikers.
I've learned three strategies for handling this possible Motorbike vs. Cop scenario:
Strategy One: Run- odds are that most cops would rather pursue easier prey than exert effort. The downside (besides the very real possibility of hitting a cow at an unfortunately high speed), if they DO decide to chase you and you are caught, they have obvious leverage in any future negotiation - whether it be for payment or prison.
Strategy Two: Hide your money. If you don't have it, they can't take it. But they can arrest you. Therein lies my problem with Strategy Two.
Strategy Three: Pay the 500 rupee "fine" and recoup the 11 dollars in your first hour of work at Starbucks when you get home.
At 3:00am the bar closes at Paradiso. On this particular evening we meet beautiful Kazakh girls and the owner of the club. I was both flattered and disturbed that the owner was so interested in taking my picture. Weeks later, I find these pictures on the club's website, cropped perfectly to feature my gorgeous entourage and the very edge of my shoulder.
Having left the club, we're back on our bikes. At the first intersection two cops stop us. The Kazakh's pull over, Ed pulls to their side and I stop behind them. As the cops dismount their bikes and approach us, I watch Ed's feet leave the ground. He slowly navigates his way from the dirt shoulder back to pavement. In a surprisingly slow fashion, he drives away. The cops look at each other. One sighs, jumps on his bike and chases after Ed.
"Did Ed really just flee?"
"He your friend?" The cop asks.
"Of course not," is the correct response, I think, so I use it. He asks for a license, which I hand him.
"New York," he reads out loud.
"That's right. If you can drive in New York City, you can drive anywhere!" I immediately regret talking.
Kazakh's nervously admit they forgot theirs.
"If you don't have your license, you have to come to the police station with me and pay a 500 rupee fine." The cop states plainly.
One of the Kazakh smiles and produces a 500-rupee note from her shirt - the only bill in on her.
Strategy Four: Have just enough money to bribe the allotted amount, nothing more. If you don't have it, they can't extort it. That way, everyone is happy, and no one goes to jail.
Strategy Five: Carry your license. This is my favorite strategy. If that fails, see Strategy Four.
Now the next dilemma: Where the HELL is Ed?
ED'S STORY - as told by Justin (yes, me)
I'm not going to lie to you - as mentioned, Ed has had a couple drinks. D.A.R.E was right kids, it had an impact on his decision making.
Five minutes after his gradual getaway, Ed – now lost - feels the glow of a headlight coming from behind. Assuming it is me - that I would follow him in his daring escape- he pulls over.
The cop is pissed. He tells Ed to get off his bike, to come with him, that he is going to jail.
"No no no, I didn't understand the uniform, I thought you were trying to rob us!" (Note: This was clever. I'm impressed.)
The cop was not impressed. He literally pulls at Ed to get off his bike. He wants Ed behind bars.
Ed thinks he's Batman after a bottle of bourbon. And, while noble, it costs him. "Clearly we can settle this between us," Ed says with confidence- his proverbial cape flapping in the wind.
The cop just laughs.
Bartering Strategy 1: Don't drink and barter, folks.
Result: Ed ends up loosing all his money and shirt.
The waiters at our hotel - the nicest place to stay on the beach of Anjuna - make 4,000 rupee's a month. This civil servant made 2,000 in 10 minutes.
With their business transaction complete, the cop politely gives Ed directions back to the hotel.
We reunite back at the hotel with just enough time to continue drinking before our 9am bus.
